Coming Out

Coming out

To Yourself

As a gay or bisexual man, you may start to develop feelings towards other men. This can come as a shock depending on your own circumstances and in some cases this can lead to feelings of fear and shame. There is no magic solution that can help aleviate these feelings, but you can seek support from charities and other people who have gone through similar situations. We would encourage you to take small steps that you feel comfortable with, which work for your situation and circumstances as you gradually find the confidence to accept yourself for who you are. If you are in a situation that precludes you from coming out due to fear of reprisals then there are support groups who can offer support and advice for such situations. Some of which are mentioned below.

To Others

To Your Parents

Coming out to your parents can be very difficult, as we grow up we become aware of an 'expectation' to eventually get married, settle down and have kids. Part of this pressure we put on ourselves, sometimes the other half of the pressure can come from our parents. They might make comments such as 'When are you gonna get a girlfriend' or 'When are you gonna settle down?' It is important to note that our parents in most cases are not applying this pressure intentionally, it can be a generational thing - older parents maybe have more expectations of their kids. No two situations are ever the same, only you will know if it is safe and appropriate to come out to your parents, but you do not have to do it alone... Charities such as Stonewall and Rainbow Project can offer advice and guidance on how to come out to parents.

To Your Partner

Some Gay & Bisexual men only come to terms with their sexuality after they have already engaged in a long term relationship with a woman. They might see this as a huge obstacle and feel trapped in the relationship. This can be a very stressful for all parties involved. There is no magic solution that will work for all situations, only you know your partner and how she may react to the news that you are gay or bisexual. It is important to remember the motivation for why you are telling her that you are gay or bisexual, it is not to hurt her or be unfaithful to her, but an attempt to be honest to yourself and her.

To Your Children

The Rainbow Project Gay & Bisexual Dads peer group has a WhatsApp chat group. Contact Joe Walsh at the Belfast Rainbow Project on advocacy@rainbow-project.org or on 028 9031 9030 or 07904 864 957.

Key points to remember
  • You can decide if you want to or need to come out at all.
  • You decide who you want to tell, how and when.
  • If you’re living with someone else (parents or a partner) have options of where you can go and stay for a night or indefinitely if they react badly. Have cash if you may need it.
  • Coming out to those most important in your life is a bump in the road. It gets better, they adjust and/or you find support in our community
  • Not all 'coming out' stories go smoothly, but once it is done, life gets better and you may never have to worry about it again.